Put your jokes here guys!

[BeetleMeister 1]

How do you turn a fox in to a dog?

Marry it!

[Edge(2) 0]

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under arm, and orders a drink...the barman says "Hey, where did you get that pig??"

The woman says back to him...."It's not a pig. it's a duck!"

Barman: "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck..!!"

[TamiyaBeaterFleet 0]

One morning a man awakes to find his wife is gone, for 6 six days she remains missing. The man comes home on the 7th day to find his wife in the kitchen. Where have you been the man asks, i was kidnapped for two weeks and forced to have sex with 3 big black men. says the wife. the husband says "but you were only gone for 7 days", i know, i just stopped to make a sandwich.

[TWINSET 1793]

Quality (unless you're a cat luvva)

http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/1427/nokia.avi

[mr_lister999. 3]

quote:3 big black men

id="quote">id="quote">

Lets be PC (politically correct) 3 big african american men. []

[PurpleBugsy 0]

Two cows in a field, which one has foot and mouth ????[?]

The one thats burning[]

[Oldschooltamiya 0]

A man is walking down a street one day, next to him is a tall wooden fence. Behind the fence there is what sounds like a large group of people all saying “ FOUR FOUR FOUR....†thinking to himself “that’s strangeâ€[?] he peeps through a knothole[] and promptly someone’s finger comes through the knothole and pokes him in the eye...[xx(]

Then all the people behind the fence start saying “FIVE FIVE FIVE....â€[]

[limas_mtb 0]

Two tomatoes are crossing the road.

One gets left behind.

The otherone turns around and sais: "Come on, Catchupid="red">!"[][][]

Hahaha! I made a funny -hahahaha!!!

[lji86 0]

this is a good one from school (soz if its been posted before, havent read them all you see)

how do you get a blonde on the roof,

....

...

..

.

tell her the drinks are on the house

lewis

p.s. no offence to blondes []

[ShenUK 1]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Have you ever wondered "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Here are some historical answers....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!

[]

[DJTheo 2]

Perfect! [^] []LOL

[SJoerD 2]

Two men sitting in the train, one Dutch and one Belgian. The Belgian asks the Dutch guy what the word 'logical' means. The Dutch fellow asks the Belgian: "Do you have a goldfish?" The Belgian answers he indeed has a goldfish. Then the Dutch guy asks: "If you have a goldfish, you must love fish, right?" The Belgian agrees. "So if you like fish, you love animals, right?", and again the Belgian agrees with him. The Dutch guy continues: "So if you like animals, you love humans as well. And if you love humans, you love women as well right?" The Belgain once again agrees "If you love women, you're not gay, right?" The Belgian replies happily: "AAAaahh, so THAT's what logical is! Makes perfect sense to me!"

That evening, the Belgian meets his mate at the bar: He asks him: "Do you know what logical is?" He sais he does. The the Belgian asks him "Do you have a goldfish?" His mate says no.

"AHA! I knew it! You're gay!"

[Bibbo 3]

quote:Originally posted by Sjoerd

Two men sitting in the train, one Dutch and one Belgian. The Belgian asks the Dutch guy what the word 'logical' means. The Dutch fellow asks the Belgian: "Do you have a goldfish?" The Belgian answers he indeed has a goldfish. Then the Dutch guy asks: "If you have a goldfish, you must love fish, right?" The Belgian agrees. "So if you like fish, you love animals, right?", and again the Belgian agrees with him. The Dutch guy continues: "So if you like animals, you love humans as well. And if you love humans, you love women as well right?" The Belgain once again agrees "If you love women, you're not gay, right?" The Belgian replies happily: "AAAaahh, so THAT's what logical is! Makes perfect sense to me!"

That evening, the Belgian meets his mate at the bar: He asks him: "Do you know what logical is?" He sais he does. The the Belgian asks him "Do you have a goldfish?" His mate says no.

"AHA! I knew it! You're gay!"

---

id="quote">id="quote">

[]Do you have something against Belgians?[]

[SJoerD 2]

quote:Originally posted by Bibbo

[]Do you have something against Belgians?[]

---

id="quote">id="quote">

No mate. It's a very old tradition the Dutch make fun of the Belgians. []

Therefore, thrity years ago the Belgians announced the war to the Dutch, they didn't do so in the seventies already as it took them a while to understand the jokes. Belgians are almost setting foot on Dutch soil - they are already in Paris now!

[ShenUK 1]

A man is caught in a traffic jam when suddenly, someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asks what he wants. The other man says, "President Bush was kidnapped and the ransom is $50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the President with gasoline and set him on fire. We are taking up a collection, do you wish to participate?" The man in the car asks, "On average, what are people donating?

The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 litres!"[]

[ShenUK 1]

and another lol

Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I

don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the

trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior

officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and

murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The

woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the

registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving

license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse

and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse

and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a

license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up

the owner.

Woman: Bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[SJoerD 2]

LOLOLOL @ ShenUK!

I knew that one already, Barry! Good thing I forgot it half though - now I had another laugh! [8D]

Come to mention it, I wouldn't be much surprised if my mum did just that... []

[BeetleMeister 1]

What do you call an asian ***?

Mingeater! []

[ShenUK 1]

Pillsbury Doughboy dies

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following

news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the

entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and

complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of

celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including

Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty

Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered

the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never

knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was

filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart'

cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite

being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was

considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John

Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also

survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

[ShenUK 1]

How to make your classic Pentium turn into a brand new Pentium 4!

This is how to magically transform that old classic Pentium into a brand new Pentium 4:[]

[SJoerD 2]

Hush, Barry... []

They do just that in teh factory! [] []

[SJoerD 2]

Just found this one... I hope I won't get banned for this... [] LOLOL... []

quote:By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

---

id="quote">id="quote">

[ShenUK 1]

nice one lmao[][][]

[ShenUK 1]

i was sent this today but think this might get edited if so sry i'll keep them off here[)] here goes

Math problem?

Subject: Math Problem!?

What makes 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100% ?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S # ! T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bulls#!t will put you over the top.

And look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A $ $ K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% !

NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?

[TamiyaBeaterFleet 0]

Two Peanuts were walking through the park and one was a salted.[][][8D]