Jump to content
whahooo

My Life is shattered

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

i do not know what i should do right now. This Year wasn`t my Year.

Yesterday my wife told me that she is so much under pressure (because of me) that she will get herself a new Flat (and i suppose will leave me).
Last Christmas she told me that she is "poly amorous" and we had a great week with talks and cuddles every day. I told her that i told her that in the past and that i feel the same, but i chosed not to live a poly amourus life because i think its very hard and complicated. I told ther that if you fall in love you will always love them, even avter years or that person does bad stuff. Thats the reason why so many people get togehter with expartners in hard times or for fun. And that a lot of people love people that are abusive or are in prison, but there is a bond between the people no matter what, its "love".
Since yesterday the Bond between us is shattered, it is really really serious.
In the last months we got a bigger and bigger distance to each othe, because i felt that she needed that i got in RCs once again to distract me from my problems, from our problems, i had something to do and that was good. But it wasn`t what i needed, we didn`t talked anymore, we got a physical distance to each other and that resulted in a emotionam distance what resulted in more physical distance and so on.

We have a 5 year old daughter.....

last month my great aunt died.

Last week my Grandma died.

My Job gets harder and harder, i do not have the Power to hold up. She feels the same with her job and has stron feelings for a co worker...

In the beginning of the year i was diagnosed with cluster headaches. The desease is also called suicide desease und known for the worst pain humans can feel (women say that they prefer birthpain) and there is no reliable medical cure for that. The pain drives a lot of people to commit suicide because they are helpless.
Good thing is that i do not have that planed.

 

I think i`m really really down with life and to not know how to get up on my feet.

  • Sad 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Whahoo,

Im so sorry to hear you are going through this but you will be the stronger better person out the other side of this im sure of it. Because you may not see it yourself but reading between the gaps and using my own personal experience of being ******* on under very similar sounding circumstances it sounds like somethings been going on for a while. Last christmas she feels she wants to be 'poly amerous' and now has strong feelings for a co-worker? As harsh as it sounds that script is a well worn cliche. 

There is a saying that in relationships people are like monkeys - they dont let go of one vine until they have a strong enough grip on another vine. And sadly this is quite true.

As I said at the beginning you are better than this and deserve someone better than this. Let it go and you will soon find that you are stronger on your own (its just different and takes getting used to) and then in time and if you want to you im sure you will find someone else who will have more respect for you or at least be more honest. But whatever you do dont rush into anything.

You may even find that your health is improved because it cant be pshychologically good for you with the underying thoughts that there is someone else. You made it clear you didnt want a poly amerous relationship (i hate the term to be honest - its just dressing it up and making excuses) so it was never going to work. Most of us arent wired up that way at all and the people who are tend to be a bit of a sociapath who lack the empathy to understqnd the pain they cause the other person anyway.

In the mean time you get back up on your feet because of your daughter who needs you and then plan your new life.

I reqlly wish you all the best. I know its just words and easy for strangers on the internet to say things like you need to pull your socks up and get on with life etc etc that but I honestly do think you will be better off out on the other side of this both mentally and physically.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat about anything - every little distraction can be helpful early on even if its as mundane as deciding what to eat for dinner or wether the Aliens Special Edition is better or worse than the theatrical version. Anything. You have your RCs too - thats definitely a hobby to throw yourself into and the only reason i got back into it just over three years ago was to have an excuse to shield myself away mentally from the outside world which seemed at the time to be eroding away around me.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Mrs kicked me out 18months ago, now I'm free to do what I want.

If I want to go out at 12am to do a speed run?, I go

If I want to do an all night clod build, I can.

Most importantly, if I want to bash £600 on my credit card on a new RC, I will.

Of course I miss my kids but once this virus is done, I'll see them again and I'll be happy. 

Good luck, I hope your journey takes the direction that's best for you.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for all the nice private messages.

 

@Superluminal

I want to say clearly that i love my wife (we are not married btw) from the bottom of my heart.

She told me that thing with her coworker at chrismas. That holyday was great and i told her that i totally understand that.

It is totally normal to be attracted to someone or love them for what they are.

Even i have a circle of Friends with some Girls that are so adorable that you could fall in love with them in seconds and i have strong feelings for them. But i decide not to meet them alone in a silent night with a Bottle of wine to share some good time, because you cannot reverse that. That doesnt mean that i do not love them, but i protect me if fall deeply in love with them.

 

I think the poly thing is very difficult. I think i would tend to only get the good things in life. I would share the time with people that give me fun and enjoyment or with people that need me and give me good trough beeing needed.

I would not share my time with the people that give my a hard time when there are people that give me fun and enjoyment.

I think you let the people with difficulties fall more easily.

 

But in a relationship are hard times and in a good relationship you sprak also about that. In a bad relationship you don't speak about that. In a easy relationship do do not even concider to get the hard thematics started, you ignore them and change to a space where are no problems yet. If it gets ugly you move to the next one.

 

 

I do not know what to write about it.

I think its more difficult and complicated to be there (good and bad times) for several people because the time you are there for them needs effort and tome.

If more people have a difficult time, how could you be there for them both?

If more people have a good time how could you manage that?

I can not plan 2 or 3 vacations with people i love. I'm able to plan 1 or 2 vacations a year.

I think someone will always be jelous about beein there to much for someone other.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Whahoo,

I'm sorry you are feeling tremendous stress right now as your significant other looks to make a major change in your relationship.  In my own life I have experienced a similar stress with a long-time family member (not my wife) who broke our trust which resulted in estrangement.  Most days I do my job and take care of the remaining family adequately, but there is always this stress/tension/anger in the background over what happened, a regular replay and analysis of those events, and uncertainty over what the future might hold or how to proceed with the relationship.  At least where this one other person is concerned, it feels like she succumbed to selfishness and outside influences, manipulated us for years, and squandered the generosity we showed her.

In the months that followed that event I spent considerable time listing out what happened, how it made me feel, and why I felt that way.  In a way this event was a blessing because it forced a thorough self-examination which led to strengthened convictions about my beliefs and values.  While the stress of the estrangement still lingers, I do find some peace and renewed confidence in subscribing to a set of beliefs and prioritized list of values, and therefore know myself better than ever.  There is clarity about who I am, and this clarity guides my daily thinking and actions.

Do you know who you are, down to your very core?  What is your place in this universe, and what is your purpose in life?  If you know your self, your place, and your purpose, are your words and actions towards your significant other and daughter consistent with that?  If you have this end-to-end view from your essence to your actions, it should all fall into place (even if considered, spoken, and acted upon imperfectly).

To be very open with you, I know myself now better than ever.  Through my upbringing, my own personal searching, my relationship with my wife, the relationships with other people, and adversities, I cling tightly to my Christian beliefs.  I am a son, a husband, a father, a member of society and my job is to glorify God and lead others to salvation as best I can through my words and actions.  I can do this by honoring my parents, loving my wife exclusively, raising my children effectively, being an honest/industrious worker, extending myself to others in need, and never forgetting Christ's sacrifice for me or denying the Holy Spirit trying to work through me.

If you've not been exposed to God or Christian beliefs before, what I'm saying will likely sound crazy to you.  Why should anyone believe in God?  Why should anyone subscribe to the example of Christ?  What is this Holy Spirit?  Instead of quoting Bible verses, arguments over circular references, and interpretation/context, let me suggest a linear train of thought:

  1. Evidence
  2. Probability
  3. Occam's Razor

The evidence is all of nature is continuously decaying and falling apart.  It doesn't matter if we're talking on a planetary level or molecular level, we can see all of life going through an aging/death/decomposition process as the universe gradually moves towards equilibrium (see the second law of thermodynamics).  Additionally, if we consider the probability of random events creating higher orders of structure, that probability is virtually zero.  Lighting strikes in pools of proteins are highly unlikely to create life forms, and it's highly unlikely that life forms evolve to higher levels of complexity.  If anything, raw energy has a tendency to accelerate destruction more than anything.  Finally, if we look at all the assumptions and conditions science places on successful creation, all the contradictory research papers, all the revising of scientific thought still occurring, is it not a simpler answer to acknowledge a Creator's hand in all of this?  Archaeological, geological, fossil, and literary records all seem to support what the Bible has to say.  If there is a Creator out there, what is our relationship to him?  And how do we live?  And so my faith and convictions are strengthened, and I read the Bible for more understanding and life instruction.

While the immediate events you're facing are distressing, and I can only imagine how your mind is speculating and imagining different conclusions, and you face practical logistics/coordination issues, and there is raw emotion gnawing at you, and you may feel all consumed and overwhelmed, and you want it all solved and to go away, I encourage you to do what has to be done now, but then slow down and spend some time in self-reflection.  Take some time to think about the bigger picture, find your place in all of it, understand the promise of eternal life, and think through the practical daily ramifications of it.  Connecting it all together from beliefs through actions has been a source of stability for me, and I consider my life blessed because of it.  I hope you can find the same for yourself.

If you want to know more, I'm happy to share in greater detail.  I feel your pain and hope for the best for you.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I settled a little bit and my Life got way better.

Thanks for all your Support!

No i have to get the Roof of my House fixed.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just hang on and these problems will go away eventually. For some it may look strange but for many, prayers work. I'm not an ultra religous person but there's Someone up there who can help. Just have faith and trust. He'll take care of your burdens and worries.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/17/2020 at 12:31 AM, whahooo said:

I settled a little bit and my Life got way better.

Thanks for all your Support!

No i have to get the Roof of my House fixed.

Glad to hear your life in general turned a little for the better , sorry to hear after al that you now have major home repairs.(Roof) 

I can’t say I’ve ever experienced anything like the chronic pain of the headaches disease. However I can empathize with the  relationship problems and job overwhelming. 
glsd to see you got lots of support and PMs from folks on here. If you still need to talk feel free to PM me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...